True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
