wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
