She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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