one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
