I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize