Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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