I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i out mim tonsoeep
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