Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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