Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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