Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
