I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
