Dude my mom stole all your condoms
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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