dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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