apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
