I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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