A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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