either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
