I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
