He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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