I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
