I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
