well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
