My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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