booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
