How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
