so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
