he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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