your parents love me but you hate me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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