the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What a dumb baby whore.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
