You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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