mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
farters have to be the big spoon...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
