YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
