I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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