I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
