I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
These tits shall not be calmed
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize