To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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