I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
