yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
