He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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