what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
