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that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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