in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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