just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
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