They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
