I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
soo... how was my night?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
