OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
