Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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