somebody snuck up and got me drunk
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
