I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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