he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
