Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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