WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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