I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
