My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
