You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
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