everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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