the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
