508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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