I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
