STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
