Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
