Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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