matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
